


I Don't Pretend to Know

by GinnyK



Series: The World Turned Upside Down [6]
Category: Bull (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friendship, Gen, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 19:29:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16225784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Post ep for Season 3 Episode 2.





	I Don't Pretend to Know

**Author's Note:**

> Someone commented on my previous story in the series, asking for angst. So here's a little angst.
> 
> As always the title comes from Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Marissa and Alex were in her office going over her algorithm process when Bull called to ask for her assistance with Cable’s mom.  She listened to his request and hung up with a sigh and a worried look on her face.

“Everything okay?” Alex asked as he set aside his legal pad and pen.

“That was Bull.  Cable’s mom just showed up to pick up her things and he’s apparently not handling it well.  I’m going to go to the war room to help her out.  Do me a favor, wait a few minutes and then go check on him.”

“Of course, no problem,” Alex replied.

“Thanks,” Marissa said as she headed out the door.

Alex finished up what he had been in the middle of jotting down before the phone rang.  He stopped by the kitchen to grab two bottles of water and headed for Bull’s office.  He took a glance in the window to gauge what he was walking into.  Bull was leaning against his desk, staring out the window.  Alex knocked once and went on in; Bull had quickly trained him not to wait for an invitation into the office.

“Hey Alex,” he said without turning around.

“How did you know it was me?” the younger man asked.

“Marissa’s in the war room and I’m pretty sure she sent you to check on me.”  Bull’s tone held no accusation or annoyance, just acceptance.  In the three weeks Alex had been there Bull had quickly learned to accept he would have two people looking out for him, whether he liked it or not.  To be honest, he was kind of grateful for it.

“She did, but if she hadn’t asked me to, I would have checked on you anyway,” Alex replied honestly.  He crossed the office to lean against the window, facing his boss.  He held out of bottle of water which Bull took with a grateful smile.  “You want to talk about it?”

“Not really, but I don’t suppose you’ll take that for an answer?” Bull asked with a grin as he opened the bottle and took a large mouthful of water.

“I’ll accept that answer,” Alex said with a grin of his own.  “But you do need to answer this one….are you okay?”

“Probably not,” he answered honestly as he glanced at his watch.  It was a few minutes after 5:00.

“Thank you for being honest. Anything I can do for you?” Alex asked as Bull pushed himself away from the desk to start to pace around the room. 

Bull actually took a few seconds to consider Alex’s question instead of giving a quick “no” as was his norm.  “No, go ahead home.  It’s Friday night, I’m sure you have a hot date.”

“Well my date is a 9 year old boy who wants to watch a Marvel movie, so not a hot date but I’m sure we’ll have fun,” Alex explained with a grin.

“Okay, not a hot date.  You and Andy have fun.  I’m going to run on the treadmill for a while and head home after that.”

“Okay,” Alex replied as he looked at his boss, trying to figure out if he was telling the truth.  The fact that Bull was kicking off his shoes and grabbing his gym bag from the corner of the office told him he probably was telling the truth.  “Have a nice weekend.” 

Alex stopped by his desk to grab his laptop and his backpack.  He bid a goodbye to a few people and headed for the elevator.

Bull went into the bathroom to change into his shorts and t-shirt.

*****

Marissa spent an hour or so with Cable’s mom.  She helped her pack up Cable’s things and the two of them talked for a while.  Danny joined their conversation, which was good for both her and Mrs. McCrory.  Benny was on his way out and helped to carry the boxes with Cable’s things to the elevator.

It was almost 6:00 by the time Marissa had shut down the war room and returned to her desk.  She was pretty sure Bull was still around, he usually came to say “goodbye” when he left for the night and she hadn’t seen him in a few hours and hadn’t talked to him since he called her to help him out.

To her surprise she found him running on the treadmill in his office.  She was able to stand in the doorway unnoticed for a minute or so as he was running with earbuds in and his glasses off.  He eventually became aware of her presence and gave a little wave.

“How was it,” he asked, slightly breathless from running.

“Sad, heartbreaking.”

“Thanks for handling it.  I just couldn’t do it,” he admitted as he hit the SPEED button on the control panel and slowed to a brisk walk.  “Can you hand me the water?” he asked, pointing to the bottle on the coffee table.  Marissa handed it to him, slipped off her shoes and curled up in the corner of the couch.  “Alex checked on me.  I know you asked him too, but I also know he would have anyway.  So thanks.  He’s a good kid.”

“Yes he is.  And it’s clear he loves it here and is completely ready and able to look out for you without being annoying about it.”

“Yeah,” Bull admitted as he slowed the speed down even further for a few seconds before turning it off as he reached for the towel and wiped his face. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Marissa asked as he stepped off the treadmill and stretched a little before collapsing in one of the chairs opposite the couch.

“I don’t know.  I wouldn’t even know where to start,” he admitted.

“Well, I don’t pretend to know what’s going on in that head of yours, so you need to talk,” Marissa pointed out.

“And I thought you could ready my mind,” Bull teased, desperate to not have the conversation Marissa seemed to want to have.

“Only sometimes,” she said with a smirk.  “You have plans for tonight?” she asked.  They had spent very little time together outside the office since he’d returned to work.  They both missed that aspect of their relationship but both knew it was what they needed.

“Other than a shower, food and probably Netflix, not at all.  Do you, do you think we could hang out?” he asked with a little hesitation.

“Yeah, that sounds nice, it’s been a while.  And in addition to food and Netflix, we will be talking,” she pointed out.

“I know that,” he sighed as he propelled himself to his feet.  “Give me 5 minutes to pack up. I’ll meet you by the elevators.”

“Perfect.”  Marissa headed for her own office.  She went to her closet to see if she had any comfortable clothes in there.  She found a pair of leggings and a pair of sneakers, but no shirt.  That was fine with her, she’d just borrow one of his….again.

*****

“I assume you have food at home?” Marissa asked as they got settled in the back seat of his car.

“Of course I have food,” he replied with a smirk as his driver eased the car out into Friday rush hour traffic.  “I was thinking turkey tacos.”

“Sounds much better than anything I would have made for myself,” Marissa said with a chuckle. 

“Wine and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” he guessed as he slid down a little to rest his head on the back of the seat.

“Probably,” Marissa admitted as she turned sideways to face him a little.  In the fading daylight she could tell he was tired.  It had been a busy week and she knew he didn’t take any time to sit down and relax after lunch.  To her surprise he had been fairly good about that whenever he was in the office.  It helped that Alex kept his schedule as open as possible from 12-2 in the afternoon. 

“Riss, you’re staring,” Bull said as he rolled his head towards her a little.

“Sorry, you just look tired,” she replied honestly.

“I am tired.  Didn’t get my nap today.”

Marissa smiled as she reached out to brush back his hair a little.  He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.  “I like your hair shorter, you look younger.”

“I may look younger, but damn I feel old,” he admitted with a snort

**********

When they got to his place Bull headed to take a quick shower after putting the taco meat in the microwave to thaw.  Marissa followed him into his room. 

“Let me guess, you need a shirt?” he asked as he sat down on the edge of the bed to untie his sneakers. 

“Yep,” she replied as she opened his dresser and grabbed a long sleeved TAC shirt. 

“Heat the meat up after it thaws.  There’s cheese, lettuce and tomato in the fridge.  Might be an avocado in the basket on the counter.  And I could really use a margarita,” he added with a smirk.

“Not happening buddy,” Marissa said over her shoulder as she left the room.

Marissa had dinner just about ready when Bull came out to the kitchen after his shower.  He was wearing a pair of plaid flannel pajama pants and a faded hoodie and hadn’t bothered to comb his hair, in other words, he looked adorable.  He sat down on one of the stools with a big sigh.  Marissa set a bottle of iced tea in front of Bull and took a second to get a good look at him.  She wasn’t thrilled with how he looked but it had been a long, stressful week and she was pretty sure she looked a little worse for wear too.

Dinner conversation was a bit strained and Bull didn’t seem all that interested in eating.  Marissa on the other hand was starving as she’d basically skipped lunch, except for a granola bar. 

“You done?” she asked as Bull was just pushing his remaining food around the plate with his fork. 

“Yeah,” he muttered as he dropped the fork and pushed the plate towards her.  She filled the dishwasher and put away the leftovers while Bull sat at the island, staring out the window.  It was clear he wasn’t going to starting a conversation and Marissa wasn’t really sure she wanted to do that either.  But what she was sure of was the fact that Bull looked miserable.   She crossed the room and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around him.  His hands come up to cover hers as she pressed a kiss to his temple.  “I’m tired of pretending I’m doing okay,” he whispered as he swiped at the first tear threatening to fall.

“I know, Jason, I know,” she whispered.  He wiggled out of her embrace and stood up on shaky legs.  “Go in the office, I’ll be there in a minute,” Marissa said quietly.  He just nodded and headed for the office.

“Can you grab some Advil?” he called over his shoulder as he went down the hall.

“Sure,” she answered as she headed for the bathroom to grab the pills.  She found a hair tie and pulled her hair back in a messy bun.  The apartment was a bit chilly so she grabbed a flannel shirt out of Bull’s closet.  It was, of course, huge on her so she rolled up the sleeves as best she could.  Stopping by the kitchen for ginger ale she went to find Bull, a little nervous about what she was going to find.

He was in the office in the dark, curled up on the couch under the blanket.  Hood pulled over his head he was clearly trying to hide from the world. Marissa left the overhead light off, the light in the hall was on so she wouldn’t be tripping over furniture to cross the room.  She nudged him over a little so she could sit on the edge of the couch.  She pushed his hood back and handed him the pills and the soda.  He levered himself up in the corner just enough to take the pills without ending up with soda all over his sweatshirt. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Marissa asked as she set the ginger ale on the coffee table and curled up in the opposite corner of the couch, taking a pillow with her.  Bull took his glasses off and settled down with his head in her lap.  Not surprisingly he didn’t exactly launch into a conversation.  “Tired of pretending to be okay about what?” Marissa asked as she ran her hand through his hair.  “Heart attack, Cable, us?”

“The first two.  We’re doing okay.  At least I think we are,” he whispered, suddenly unsure of what Marissa’s reaction would be.

“I think we’re doing just fine, Jason,” Marissa assured him with a small smile.

“I still feel like I’m not 100% back to normal. I barely got settled back at work before Cable died.  I just feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.”

“Things have been really hectic at work.  You didn’t have much time to transition back the way you  probably needed to.  Then Cable and let’s be honest you have not processed her death at all.  The fact that you couldn’t spend time with her mother proved that.”  Bull just nodded in agreement.  “Do you want to take some more time off, maybe go away for a while?”

“No.  I think that would just be worse.  I need to be able to do my job.  I need to feel normal.  I need to stop feeling so……so not in control,” Bull said quietly as he reached to swipe a hand over his eyes.

“What do you mean by not in control?” Marissa pressed as she reached out to wipe away a few tears that were threatening to fall.  Unfortunately, her touch just caused more tears to fall, despite Bull’s best effort to stop them.  She nudged him a little to get him to answer her question.

“Anxious, depressed, shaky, jumpy,” he sighed as he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.  And I’m also proud that you are able to realize what’s happening. That’s never been your strong suit. You think it’s time for PRN medication?”

“Probably.  Lexapro is helping the depression but the rest of the symptoms, not so much.  It’s a struggle to get through the day in one piece.  You and Alex are the only reason I can make it through the day.  And for that I thank you.  And I will thank him on Monday morning.  He’s already managed to figure me out and realize I’m not doing well.”

“What about Cable?”

“I still can’t wrap my head around it.  I don’t know why.” 

“Jason, I think you need to talk to someone,” Marissa said carefully, not sure what his reaction would be.

“I know,” he agreed with a sigh as he let his eyes slide closed.

His reaction certainly wasn’t what Marissa had expected.  She wasn’t sure how his reaction made her feel.  On one hand he wasn’t hiding his real feelings, that was a plus.  On the other hand, he just seemed so lost and defeated.

“I’ll make some calls next week, set something up.  I have an appointment with my primary on Thursday.  We’ll discuss more meds,” he sighed. 

“Okay, sounds like a plan,” Marissa said as she scooted down a little and propped her feet on the coffee table.  She wiped away the last few tears before running one hand through his hair and resting the other on Bull’s chest, fiddling with the string of his hoodie.

They were quiet for a few minutes, curled up in the couch in the dark, just like old times.  Bull heard his text alert go off but made no effort to reach for his phone.  He wasn’t really in the mood to interact with anyone other than Marissa at the moment. 

“Do you really think we’re doing okay, the two of us?” Bull asked curiously.

“I do.  Things haven’t exactly worked out the way we mapped them out, but I feel we’re in a better place professionally.  Alex certainly helps with that.  Haven’t had to touch your mail in 3 weeks.  We’ve managed to stick to our, uh, personal boundaries at work.  And this is the first time we’ve really hung out since you got back to work.  You haven’t sent 3 AM texts to me.  Although if you actually read my texts you wouldn’t have been late for jury duty,” she teased with a wink.

Bull chuckled a little and put his hand over Marissa’s resting on his chest.  “Are you happy about your decision to stay?”

Marissa thought carefully about her answer before just blurting something out.  “Right here and now, yes, I think I am.  But….”

“But it hasn’t been all that long and things are still a little off, given everything that’s been happening in our lives,” Bull said as he raised his eyebrows a little.  Marissa nodded, taking a deep breath against the tears she felt beginning to prick at her eyes.  “So I’ll ask again a while, after things get back to something resembling normal,” he said, using air quotes as he said the word—normal.

“I’m not even sure what normal is anymore,” Marissa sighed as Bull reached up to wipe the few tears from her face.

“You and me both,” Bull muttered as he swung his legs off the couch and sat up.  He took sip of the soda, holding the can out to Marissa.  She took a sip herself and reached to rub his back a bit as he leaned over a little, elbows on his knees.  He reached for his cell phone to check the earlier text.  He chuckled a little at the picture Alex had sent him.  It was picture of his brother Andy, proudly wearing the TAC shirt Bull had sent home for him earlier in the week.  Marissa leaned over his shoulder to look at his phone.

“That is one cute kid,” Marissa with a maternal edge to her voice, one she kept well hidden.  She got up to stretch a little as she heard her phone ring in the kitchen.  “I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time,” Bull said as he propelled himself to his feet.  He paced the room for a minute or so, finally opening the slider door and sticking his head outside.  Fall had come to the city, so he was glad for the sweatshirt he was wearing.  He slid his feet into the ratty pair of slippers in the corner before stepping outside.  Pacing around in the cool air he tried some deep breathing to stem back the anxiety he felt building up.  When it was clear that really wasn’t working he stood at the railing, looking out over the lights of the city.  He had his forearms resting over the railing and he watched as his hands shook of their own accord. Tears slid down his cheeks as he struggled to get ahold of his breathing.

That was how Marissa found him a few minutes later.

She buttoned up the flannel shirt against the chilly air and crossed the balcony, calling his name so he wouldn’t be startled by her presence.  She placed a hand gently on his back and rested her head on his shoulder.

“Jason, take a deep breath and hold it,” she whispered as she rubbed slow circles over his back.  He struggled to regulate his breathing with Marissa’s help.  When it was clear he wasn’t going to remain uptight much longer she took him by the hand and led him back inside, depositing him on the couch.  “Do you have anything you can take to maybe help you calm down at little?” Marissa asked, truly beginning to worry about him.

“Benedryl, that might work,” he said as he picked up the ginger ale and tried to stand.

“Jason, I’ll get it,” Marissa said as she put her hand on his shoulder to keep from getting up.

“I need to get up and move,” he muttered as he pushed himself to his feet.  When Marissa was reasonably sure he wasn’t going to end up crumpled on the floor she let go of his hand and let him walk away.

She went to the kitchen to put water on for tea.  Suddenly feeling the urge for chocolate she reached into the back of the freezer where she’d stashed the Reese’s peanut butter cups weeks early.  They were exactly where she’d put them, Bull apparently hadn’t found her hiding place.

Five minutes later she hadn’t heard any sounds coming from Bull’s room so she went to check on him.  He wasn’t in his room but the bathroom door was cracked a little and she could see him sitting on the edge of the bathtub.  She knocked once and went in.

“Trying not to puke,” he muttered unnecessarily.

“Yeah, kind of figured that,” she teased lightly.  She put a cool, damp washcloth on the back of his neck and sat next to him. He drank a little soda and when he was relatively sure he wasn’t about to get sick Marissa got him 2 Benedryl. 

“So much for a fun filled night hanging out,” he said with a snort.

“Night is still young,” Marissa teased.  “And I’m certainly glad you’re not going through this alone right now.”

“Me too.  Okay, I’m ready to get the hell out of the bathroom.”

Marissa helped him to his feet and pointed him in the direction of the kitchen as she heard the tea kettle start to whistle.  “Pour the tea and I’ll be out in a minute,” she said as she closed the bathroom door.

When she got out of the bathroom she found him curled up in the chair in the corner of his room with his tea.  The fact that he was holding the mug with both hands told her he was still a bit shaky but at least he was able to sit down and be somewhat still.  He pointed to the nightstand where he’d put down her tea.  She hesitated for a minute before sitting down on the bed crossed legged, facing him.  He turned a little to his left, throwing his long legs over the arm of the chair so he could face her.

They chatted for a little while about work and other things.  The Benedryl did kick in a bit and Bull was able to relax.  He glanced at his phone, it was only a little after 9:00.

“Movie?” he asked.

Marissa hesitated for a minute, knowing that if they watched a movie, it was very likely she’d spend the night.  As usual, her concern for Jason won out over any boundaries she’d been trying to set.  “Sounds good.  Pick something out.  Do you want more tea or some food, you didn’t exactly eat much at dinner.”

“No tea, but can you make me some toast and grab another can of ginger ale?”

“Of course, you want jelly?”

“Sure,” he replied over his shoulder as he headed for the office.

Marissa turned the flame back on and put two slices of bread in the toaster.  She grabbed the butter and jelly, suddenly wishing she’d given him a couple of movie suggestions.  She sighed, resigning herself to a stupid comedy or something probably a little violent for her taste.

A smile came to her lips as she saw the movie he’d selected,--Jurassic World.

“Dinosaurs for me and Chris Pratt for you,” he teased as she handed him the toast and a napkin. 

They curled up on the couch and watched in silence, just enjoying each other’s company.

By the time Indominus Rex was dead and the kids were reunited with their parents, Bull was sound asleep at one end of the couch, feet in Marissa’s lap.  She turned off the television and debated whether or not to move.  She decided she was just a little too comfortable where she was.  She nudged his legs towards the back of the couch, stretching her legs out next to his, thankful for his oversized couch.  He muttered a little in his sleep and she sat up for a second placing a calming hand on his chest.  With her touch he settled back down.  She pressed a kiss to forehead and laid back down, happy in the fact their personal relationship hadn’t suffered in the wake of all that had been going on in their professional one.


End file.
